Get Your Tongue Off My Face, Please? - My Istanbul Near Rape Experience

On my way to Accra, I had a 20hr layover in Istanbul. And learned that I am too goddamn friendly.

by Felix Polesello - will be replaced with my own when I get the hard drive!

I was thrilled. I haven't been on the road in a year and a half, so arriving in Istanbul's vibrant quarter Sultanahmet at 7pm had me dancing on a cloud. I hadn't made any reservations, but I had scribbled a random hostel's address down. Two steps on my way, a young guy calls after me.
"Hey, are you Spanish?" Now, looking back, I wish I'd said something more like "I have red hair and super pale skin, obviously not, leave me alone." instead of "Nooo I'm German, where are you from?", probably in a high pitched voice, too.
Turns out, the young gentlemen is an Istanbul resident and just so happens to go in the same direction my hostel is supposedly located. Fast forward 25 minutes, he'd forced his phone number on me, invited me to go out, and repeatedly groped me all over. I pretend to have a boyfriend and whoops, he really needs to get home now. Phew - or so I thought. Because 10 steps later, the next guy offered his assistance. And then another one. I notice there are no other single females around. Whoops.

After being mislead again by guys who were all "going that direction", I was really ready for a shower and bed. I'm getting closer to the place, and don't dare ask anyone for help anymore. Unlike this middle aged dude who stopped me in front of the Blue Mosque. "Hey, do you know where the Blue Mosque is?" Again, I wish I hadn't been so friendly, let alone so open, because turns out the dude who can't see the city's capital monument when it's right before his eyes could lead me all the way to the tiny side alley the hostel was in - not without repeatedly asking me out, also giving me his number, and not even being shaken off by my claims of having my two brothers arrive in an hour. He accompanies me right to the doorstep.

Now here's my problem - I learned quickly how not to have them approach you in the first place. Don't make eye contact, ignore them. Done. Some are really persistent though, and then you can't even get rid of them with unfriendliness. Graaah!
I check in and rush out of the place because that dude thought we were meeting in an hour.

Then, awesomeness. Lights and little streets and EATING ALL THE THINGS. I have a Turkish coffee that makes me all giggedy, which is kind of worrying given my basal amount of giggediness already, and after finding out even Istanbul goes to sleep after midnight, I head back to the hostel.
There, the receptionist stops me. He needs to "check something in my passport." Yeah, right. Anyway, I hand it to him, and he strikes up a conversation. Young guy from Morocco, speaks fluent French (always a bonus) working for accommodation while on holidays from being the national soccer team's goal keeper. Hiiiiiii. Yes, I'll have a seat.
AND I WISH I HADN'T DONE THAT.

Anonymous, to be replaced with my own photo soon.

I solemnly promise that I didn't do anything to make him believe I had any sort of romantic or sexual interest in the guy. I was just talking about Istanbul and I was all long pants and no cleavage so goddamn it, I refuse to take any responsibility for what happened next.
"You are so beautiful." "Oh, thanks." "No, really... I really mean it..." "Ok, thank you." "Seriously... you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen..." "I GET IT"
And then something I was going to hear for the next 4 weeks. Except, this Moroccan dude, he really seemed to mean it.
"I love you!" - "...You don't even know me." - "But I do!" - "After 35 minutes, really?" - "You touched me inside my heart." Oh bugger off. Then he came closer. And tried tilting my head towards him.
"Hey... I'm not that kind of girl, ok?" - "I know, I know! But I love you! I really do! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I've never felt this way before! I haven't kissed a girl in two years!"
And suddenly, his tongue was between my teeth and my upper lip, and I thought to myself "Well, I'll believe THAT!" as I tried to push him off. Up to here, it only felt like a little boy too much in love, so I didn't actually feel endangered - just mentionably disgusted, and royally violated. Turns out, GOALKEEPERS ARE KIND OF STRONG. He licks across my face.
And while I'm now really struggling to push him away, he touches my boob. Which apparently released a stream of adrenaline and gave me superpowers and I managed to push him away and slip out of the corner he'd backed me into. He follows me to the stairs. And wants a good night kiss. I refuse.
"You know we sleep in the same room, right?"
Oh jesus fuck no.

So I'm in the hostel bed, desperate, because there's no other place to go - I have no idea where the next free room is, wandering around at night doesn't seem like a good idea, and taking a cab to the airport - alone in the car with the driver, single white female, this time of night - doesn't make me feel comfortable. Also, the only other person there is a creepy Pakistani who seems to be very close friends to my Moroccan...
So I stuff my passport and my wallet into my bra, curse the country, and set my alarm to 7.30am. His shift ends at 8.00, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but at least I'll be awake? Disgusted and scared, I try to fall asleep. I fail. I also get up to pee 4 times because I'm so nervous.

Morning comes around. My alarm rings, but I'm already awake. I wait. The door opens. He stands in front of my bunk, watching me 'sleep.' I try not to move. Then, THANK YOU COSMIC POWERS, he grabs his towel and soap and leave the room.
I wait for 3 minutes to ensure he doesn't come back, then grab my backpack, storm downstairs, slam the keys on the counter, and bail.

I still feel gross just thinking about that. I find myself stressing how strongly I feel about violations like these towards women, but I think it's just a common reaction. It makes me feel vulnerable and angry, and I do catch myself debating to slap on a more grumpy facade, just so I don't get into these situations again. When I tell the story, I make it sound funny, in reality I was just shocked.

Needless to say I encountered more "friendly approaches", more unwelcome hands, lips on my cheek, vows of love until I finally left for Accra. On my stopover on the way home, I didn't step out of the airport.

Back from Ghana! A Preview on What's To Come

Hiiiiiiiii!!! I'm back! And I have PICTURES and VIDEOS and STORIES and MORE PICTURES.

Oh dude. If I had to sum up the trip in one word, it would be... exhausting. Also, Ghana's night sky is hella underrated, because it sparkles like nothing I've ever seen sparkle before. Here's all the things you will be hearing about in the following weeks:

* Why not to go to Istanbul as a single woman, and if you do anyways, what you need to do so you end up with your belongings strapped to your body wide awake in a hostel convinced you're about to get raped. I'm too friendly.

* How after two hours of waiting at the airport, we found out Daniel was denied boarding - and what we had to do to try get him there

* The story behind stranding in Kumasi broke and feeling the need to call my military contact

* Why I got sick of the words "I love you", and my marriage proposals from a prince and a bishop

* T.I.A. - You know you're in Ghana when...

* On finding out how white I really am, the pinnacle of insecurity, people's amazing bullshit tolerance and all the things I learned about myself on the journey

* Pictures on top of pictures next to travel videos and documentaries about all kinds of awesome stuff. Like voodoo.

Are you excited? I'M EXCITED.

Bitches, I'm going to Africa! Also, words on confidence and the power of belief.

1. Omfgomfgomfg, I'm all packed and I have my visa and my passport and money so even if I forgot something it won't be that bad right? I IS THRILLED.




2. I used to be the weakly child who always got chosen last in sports teams and faked her parents' signature so she wouldn't have to participate in P.E. Well, I'm not that person anymore. I'm now, well, let's just call it AWESOME.

5 weeks of exercise and proper diet and I can see some seriously badass improvement in my strength, my looks, my agility and my confidence. I love the high after an intense workout and I won't even pretend I don't pull my shirt up in every public bathroom and 'mire my own abs. So today, when my personal fitness religion put up a 1000 rep challenge, there wasn't only the "I can't do this anyway" voice. There was also the "Why don't we at least try?" voice. So I went into it with the intention of doing only 20 reps of each exercise, not 50. That was the magical moment, the decision to start. I panted. I gasped. I sweated like nobody's ever sweated before. I was also all happy and pumped. Then, suddenly, body to brain: "Dude... we can do this." AND I MOTHERFUCKING COMPLETED THE THOUSAND.
I never thought I could do that! Ever! Evarrrrr! I still tried. And succeeded. You wanna know how I felt?

Try something new today. <3

I'll hopefully be back online in late May. Stay awesome, everyone. 

Random Shit That Makes Me Happy

1. Speaking Bosnian to new people who pronounce my name right. <3

2. Awesome dudes who lend us A CAMERA AND LENSES AND FILTERS FOR AFRICA. We did it!

3. Looking at my new body and fitness statistics and feeling Like A Boss.

4. That awesome moment when Adele's Someone Like You comes on and you don't threaten to shank someone in the face anymore.

5. Carrot bread rolls from that organic store.

6. High TENing my editor because we got Picture Lock and my film will be done when I return.

7. The fact that I will be rocking Istanbul this time the day after tomorrow.

8. The fact that I will be rocking Accra this time the day after the day after tomorrow.

9. The endless amount of awesome restaurants, cafes, and people in Berlin.

10. Getting in front of Marit Beer's camera again. <3

Ghana Visa Yay... Omfg, my leap into vlogging

Stuff is getting serious. Also, I've been wanting to get into video blogging for a while, so... Hi everyone?

In entirely unrelated news, I present to you the first 30 day progress picture in my quest to physical awesomeness. I would like to thank High Intensity Interval Training and Protein and whatever made me get up before sunrise to work on this. Kaboom!

Alphabetland #1 - On Ghana Preparation, Fitness Obsession, and Awesomeness

a) "You know all those things you've always wanted to do? You should do them."

b) I started taking my Malaria meds. Side effects can include: Severe Depression, Hallucinations, Paranoia, Nightmares, Sleeping Disorder. I'm trying not to talk myself into getting those. NINJA MIND CONTROL, IVY.

c) Don't attempt to follow a vigorous Vinyasa Yoga class with seriously sore muscles. Just don't.

d) The single greatest invention in the history of mankind is, without a doubt - no, not electricity or penicillin - PLAIN NON-FAT YOGHURT. That shit can substitute anything! It's a base for my breakfast smoothies, my sour cream on those tortillas today, and a scientifically proven craving soother. Go, Yoghurt!

e) There's so many unexpected things in life that cost money! Like, stolen bike seats, broken phones, new glasses, or tropical medication. Here's to being even broker after you came back from a job!

f) Sometimes, when you just let it happen, you react so differently from how you thought you would. And you're like woah, I'm awesome. 

g) DID I MENTION I BOOKED OUR FLIGHTS TO GHANA? I'm traveling not-solo for the first time and boy, how amazing it is to not be all excited on your own! But times three! 

h) Remember how I really wanted to go to Istanbul? Well guess where, incidentally, I have a 20 hour layover. SHIT'S AWESOME SOMETIMES.

i) So 2 weeks ago, this friend of mine laughed at my inability to perform even a single women's push-up, so I'm like "Until your birthday, I'll be able to do 100!" And she's like "Pf, will you bet on that?" and I'm like "Hell yeah!" and I won't even tell you how far I have progressed since then because I want you to place bets. August 14th is the date.

j) Want to know a secret? You create yourself. You came into this world and you had nothing. All you have now is here because you've made it. Shape the body you want. Build the life you want. Go and be the best version of YOU!

k) People don't want you to be a certain way to like you. All it takes to be liked is honesty. Nobody is perfect and nobody likes people who pretend to be.

l) Try and give someone your full attention. Look into their eyes, don't think side-thoughts while they're talking, and don't look at your phone. Tell me how it went. Hint: It's amazing.

m) So, three months ago, I quit alcohol. And one week ago, I was at my film job's wrap party (THE drinking occasion) and I had nothing but water. Result being that the night was just as awesome as usual - my sober is other people's drunk - and they day after was like a trigajillion times more awesome than usual.

n) Do meditate. You've been wanting to do it, so start. 10 minutes a day is manageable for even the busiest person, and even if you must take them out of your sleeping time - you'll fall asleep quicker and sleep better. Promise.

o) For the first time in like... 8 months? I'll have a couchsurfer over on tuesday! Yaaaay! Been too busy or too down the darkness hole for way too long and I'm thrilled to dive back into my old traveling-socialising-berlining thing. 

p) My new roommate is a cook and brought this super awesome super sharp japanese knife with him. My cooking activity has quadrupled since. EPIC. (Also, he probably thinks I'm a hip hopper because I've been blasting my workout music in the mornings.)

q) You meet such wonderful people! Two days before my job ended, I met this beautiful young lady who I clicked with right away, and she CAN TEACH ME OPERA SINGING and I can CONTINUE LEARNING ITALIAN and she's also on the BEST SHAPE EVER journey and she just gets stuff. I love!

r) What's an appropriate fitness goals that will buy me these custom Nikes? Running 5k? Doubling all the scores from my initial fit test? Gimme suggestions!

s) Iraq is cancelled. I called her back in a non-spontaneous-hyperventilation mood and asked her if it was *really* okay for me to come, and I understood how she'd rather go alone because she's worried about my safety plus the whole not seeing the family for two decades thing. So instead, this fall, I'll go to Turkey or Morocco. Just as sweet. (But, admitted, less street cred.)

t) It's time for more random kindness. Compliment people more often. Do "stay in touch." Give props for ambitions and things well done. Let's make each other feel special.

u) Space for you to ramble!

v) Arabic restaurant in Kreuzberg tomorrow. HUMMUS! YES!

x) Thai massage is awesome. Before I went for the first time I was dead crow scared I'd be virtually beaten up, but it was neither painful nor sucky. I'm practically addicted, actually.

y) Let's organize a Free Hugs Campaign again. Cuddling is awesome.

z) How are you? 

On Darkness, More Darkness, And Dawn. And Epic, Epic Gratitude.

This time, three months ago, you found me curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out for an average of 6 hours a day, and I'm not exaggerating. Reason being that lover boy and I have split, which was so painful that even your favorite attention seeker didn't tell most of her friends. I don't want to go into detail because emotions are complicated, and personal, and I'm by no means over anything yet. I just want you to know that a couple weeks back, I thought life was an asshole whose sole purpose it is to punch me in the ovaries, because we all feel like that sometimes, and I personally find it easier to deal with when I know everyone else is going through it as well.
So, what I did after the break-up, was to sit around my mom's house in sweatpants and oh, by the way, finish that screenplay that was due. What I also did was starting to meditate.

Whatever sparked it. I'd been doing it on and off for months, but then, with the images haunting me and my thoughts going in circles, I decided to become a mind ninja. I sat down on that pillow bawling, and I didn't fucking get up until I stopped. (Then I went to bed and cuddled a teddy bear. Yes.)
And now it's been two months that I've done it every night before bed, and I'm calmer, and more understanding, and happier, and just... more zen. There's a bagajillion if resources on the internet that will tell you all the benefits, I just wanted to say that it pretty much saved my sanity. Mademoiselle I-had-a-burnout-at-age-20 actually no longer sweats the small stuff, and when someone tries to stress me, I shrug it off. PRETTY AWESOME.

Then I went out of town for a job that I'm still on right now. Change of scenery? Awesome. People asking you how your darling is and making heartbreak impressions with your hands over and over again? Eeeeh.
But somehow, somewhere, unnoticed, a little spark of light appeared at the end of the tunnel, and it grew, and then it punched me in the face. Sunshine straight up punched me in the face.

I decided to do what I wasn't able to in my relationship - take crazy trips of crazy length to crazy places whenever. So missy planned a trip to Ghana. And then a friend of her called and was all like TAKE ME WITH YOU, and I was all like YES, and this weekend we met to discuss details and record silly videos and laugh and hug and be happy.

Which is how we get to a BIG FUCKING THANK YOU to those who were there.
Friendship is when your friends take you on a ride in the middle of the night to get a break-up milkshake (tradition of mine) and then drive through roundabouts backwards, which could get them fined or arrested but they know it makes you giggle like an infant.
It's when you get off stage, and it was awesome, and you're in a great mood, but you still listen to your friend sob into the phone and tell her that she has every right to feel like the poorest sucker in the world, because being a mining victim in Cambodia sucks but at least the sun is shining! Which is wrong and tasteless but makes your friend feel so much better about feeling so, so tragic when there's people who are off much worse.
And it's inviting your friend to Munich, and planning a life of travel and documentary filmmaking, and just goddamn hugging her like you mean it. I came back yesterday and honestly couldn't care less about how many actors scream at me this week, because I have amazing loving supportive people in my life and my life is awesome.

There are so many things that I'm grateful for, and they shine even brighter in contrast to the death wish depression that I, and all those wonderful people, have pulled me out of. Like the fact that I can just pack my bags and go WHEREVER. Seriously, sometimes when I travel, I want to break down crying out of gratitude for the magnificence I'm allowed to experience. Or finding yourself in a car with someone you really like, who's 10 years older, and they tell you that you're an inspiration to them. I damn near fainted.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that (while you'll feel like a massive asshole for trying to be happy post-breakup) even when you're convinced, straight up convinced, that your life is over, and nothing is ever going to be less than horrible again, and what's the point of ever getting out of bed anyway? - The sun WILL rise again. And you might watch it rising from your exercise mat at 5.30 in the morning, because you are much stronger than you think, and you get up an hour early to do pushups and high knees. Because you're still awesome, and the world is still awesome, and people are still awesome. And it might be sooner than you ever thought possible that you decide there's been enough crying and heartache, and that it's time to grab life by the balls again.

Here's to you.